Summer night sky
Blue is in me and around me
Blue are the things I feel that I don’t have the courage to admit
Blue are the thoughts that haven’t taken a shape yet
But are hidden away somewhere, silently simmering and working up a worry
Blue are the questions that I couldn’t ask
Because the answers are too clear and not what I want to hear
And this longing, that is dying down faster than I can keep it up
To see you, hold you, kiss you; that is blue too
But enough of this pointless brooding, I’ve got to face the wind
And get on with it. All the while bleeding blue!
Somedays I have this acute feeling that my life is playing a nasty joke on me, but I have no idea what it is and I am not certain that it is all that funny. I am too afraid to laugh because I cannot help but think that I am on my way to becoming a miserable fool.
One of the consequences of inching closer to finishing up grad school is the incredible amount of writing re-writing and editing that needs to get done. Resumes for jobs, thesis chapters, manuscripts for submission, updates, cover letters, well researched e-mails — the list is endless. In my 27 Microsoft office is my best friend and Netflix is my enemy. There is no way I am in a writing/researching mood everyday. Being an experimental researcher, somedays I just want to put my safety goggles, wear my lab coat and run some experiments. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get myself into a writing mood everyday. End of the day there is no point wasting all that time trying to get into the mood. The only way is to open that word document and power-through till it is finished! The mood will just have to come eventually!
In the moment of doubt, is it better to doubt or to be patient and see what happens? How can I tell if my doubts are justified? I hate to be in doubt. I wish someone came along without a trace of doubt or ambiguity, with a reassuring clarity. Like the sun. Rising bright and clear every day, so much so that even the worst set of clouds are left defeated and the light always seeps through, leaving no room for doubt. Unless you close your eyes. But mine are wide open.
I browsed through the themes for a long time to find one that best matches my state of mind and best compliments the emotions that are about to take over this page in the upcoming days. But, I guess, there is no reason why there would be a website design that would be all flustered and has no idea where it is going. Even if it is for free. Or perhaps, especially if it is for free. I had to settle on liquorice – only because my feeling towards liquorice is always in a state of confusion and can go either way, depending on the day. Mostly leaning towards yuck. Or yumm. Not sure.
In general, I am not very fond of complaining or grieving over the mistakes I’ve made in the past, but sometimes f ups can make for very nice stories. And 27 seems to be the age of opportunities to screw up as many things as possible in as many aspects of your life as possible. I didn’t think much of it when a dating website I had joined asked me if I preferred good or interesting things happened to me and I had said interesting. Now I realize that the good things that happen to us are etched in our timeline, where as interesting things are mostly not things you would post on your facebook page and things you would share with only a handful of your friends; and most of these interesting things are likely to be screw ups. So chances are good that you might forget about them. I want to remember mine and with as much detail as possible in the hope that I know not to repeat the same mistake again. Well, really I want to remind myself that if you didn’t risk to do anything crazy, well, then you have no right to complain that your life is not exciting. Excitement and crazy is all around you. Just go for it. This is what my 27 (soon to end) has taught me and I want to remind that to myself over and over again. So then what is all this about being flustered? The more you reach out for opportunities, the more you learn, not only of your strengths, but also of your weakness. Some you can control, most you may not be able to. But you cannot give up!! You keep going regardless and the result is a big mess of disappointments before you hit the jackpot.
I am 27, at the edge of my student life (read: a very real chance that I will soon be jobless), regularly biting more than what I can chew, frequently making a fool out of myself, living life to the fullest I can (which is probably 1 hour a day, but I don’t think you could tell till you looked back at it), finding myself frustrated and confused several times a day, but learning that it is not the end of the world several more times a day and eternally on the project of fixing myself and my life. I hope I can capture some of my memories here so I could look back and have a laugh.